You know you are a parent with a child with cancer when....

• You carry a tube of Emla in your purse instead a tube of lipstick
• Kids with hair look kind of strange to you
• You can sleep anywhere, and anything that reclines more than 15 degrees looks 'comfy'
• You enjoy the drive at 3:00am to emergency because there aren't any other cars on the freeway
• You can name all the equipment used on ER
• You can dx the patients on ER before the Docs do
• You hear a truck backing up and you think the IV is beeping
• You can maneuver a double pole with six boxes and a kid riding, on a tour of the hospital, and make it back to the room before the low-battery alarm sounds and the kid has to pee
• The nurses stop responding to the IV alarm, knowing you'll fix it anyway
• Your 2-year-old knows where all of the medical equipment goes, and how to use it
• Your child's first word is a medical term
• You keep a bag packed at all times like your 9 1/2 months pregnant
• You can eat with one hand while you hold the barf bucket with the other
• Your child's bedroom looks like a Toys R Us® store
• You ask your CPA if bribe toys are tax deductible
• You correct the doctors spelling on the chemo meds
• You can read the doctors’ prescription word for word, and are asked to decipher it by the pharmacist
• You know medical terminology better than your family practitioner
• There are 4 new Mercedes in the doctors' parking lot due to your child's payments
• The pharmacy sends your family Christmas presents
• You get excited when there is a 15% off sale at the pharmacy
• You have more meds in your cupboard than food
• You can read your son's chart better than his nurse
• You start teaching your daughter the parts of her body, and you point to her chest, and she says that's her port
• None of the security guards on the pediatric floor ask for your ID anymore, and you're on first-name basis with the operating room staff
• Medical students ask to borrow your notes
• Your toddler refuses to sit on Santa's lap because he's too germy from all the other kids
• You wrap presents and packages with medical tape
• Your main source of nutrition comes from aspirin
• Your child is more familiar with CT scan & bone scan pictures than the portrait studio!!!
• When you use the term six-pack, you are talking about platelets, not Budweiser®
• Your child uses Legos® to build 'MRI' machines
• You don't have to ask, 'What's that mean' to the previous items
• You hear yourself say the words, 'I'll buy you anything you want' at least twice a month
• You know you are the friend of a family with a child with cancer when you call to check the chemo schedule and ask, 'How will her counts be on, say, the 11th?' before you schedule a birthday party
• You have been asked by more than 25 friends and family members, 'So, when is his next treatment?'
• Your four year old's critique of the medical student's examination skills is the same as the supervising physician's
• A younger sibling identifies a nipple as 'my port site'
• Your daughter has more Beanie Babies in her room than the specialty store in the mall
• You really think this list is funny, when most normal people either don't get it or start to cry!
• When your seven year old begins to sound like Doogie Howser, MD
• You give out barf buckets as birthday party favors
• When a Raio Flyer® wagon is considered an essential transportation device
• When you walk down the hall in your house holding your baby and feel odd because you're not trailing an IV pole with the other hand
• When the siblings want to know what the child's counts are to see if they can go inside and eat at McDonald's
• You think nothing of taking your 3 year old into a department store in his underwear because he has thrown up on his last set of clothes and you are an hour away from home and have an important doctor's appointment
• Six months after treatment ends and the hair starts to grow back someone stops you in the grocery store and says, 'I just love her haircut. Where did you get it done ?'
• When you send copies of this list to all your cancer-parent friends
• When your idea of funny is to ask, 'Where's your line?' and then giggle while your toddler takes off all of her clothes looking for it—even though you know it has just been removed
• You can reset the IV machines overnight, in your sleep, every 30 minutes without waking up once and still call it a good night’s sleep!!!
• You have a kid who did not wake up by 5 AM on Christmas morning
• Your kid takes more pills than you
• When you say 'Get up and smell the coffee' your kid says 'The coffee's going to make me puke'
• When your kid asks for a Happy Meal® you don't say, 'Wait until we get home to eat.' Rather, 'Really?' (unless of course your kid is on prednisone, when you say, 'A Happy Meal or a Super-Sized Value Meal?')
• Your best friend buys you a relaxation tape for your birthday and you swear it doesn't work right
• You cannot try aroma therapy for yourself because the smells trigger nausea in your kid
• Your kid wears out a pair of Nikes® pushing an IV pole around the hospital during BMT recovery
• The 'CK' on your tee shirt stands for Chemo Kid, not Calvin Klein®
• You draw smiley-faces on your isolation masks
• Your kid has received enough get-well cards to fuel a small bon-fire
• Your child receives soooo many toys while in the hospital that at Christmas time that you can now open your own toy store
• When you are thankful for steroids because there will not be turkey leftovers after the Thanksgiving meal
• Every little thing can make you cry in a heartbeat, but this list, on the other hand, has you rolling on the floor!
• When your child is ecstatic because all she's getting is counts from her arm and a shot in her leg (Now that's a good day on the chemo ward!)
• You can tell the nurses where their supplies are
• When you can whip up a seven-course meal in minutes for a six-year old having a prednisone pig out
• When your child tackles you screaming, 'I'm starving to death! Why won't you feed me?!' in public and you can laugh instead of scolding them for their manners
• You can make a variety of arts and crafts out of hospital supplies: isolation masks become turtles and spinal fluid tubes filled with glitter and baby oil make great key chains
• When the doctor finally enters the examination room and finds you and your child with latex glove powder around your mouth from blowing up the gloves
• The nurses and techs call out, 'see you next week!' with true joy knowing that you will pass on all the get-well candy ('No way I can eat that, I'll throw up!') and the leftover 'bribe-sicles' that you couldn't get her to eat
• When it's time for your 2 year to have her vital signs taken and she lifts her arm and sticks out her leg, without crying or fighting you
• Your child names pills after superheros
• When you are helping your daughter, the sibling, pull her hair into a ponytail and she says, 'Look at my forehead, I have great veins there don't I? If I ever need to get a shot, I could get it there!'
• When you have a collection of 'throw-up buckets' in every room of your house!
• When you think that anything that your child will eat and keep down is a 'nutritious meal', even if it is chocolate cookies and candy
• Your two-year old learns his colors from all the pills he has to take!
• All your body lotion and tattoo bandaids are gone because the doll needed Emla® too!
• When your child has done all of the puzzles in the play room at the hospital so many times that she/he can now do them in five minutes with the pieces upside down.
• Your 2 year old (with a chest port) points to your left breast and says with confidence to the oncologist: 'That's Mommy's owie!'
• Your child has his/her own website to keep family and friends updated on his/her progress because calling everyone gets to be too expensive and repeating the report over and over is tiring.